A long time before T was even conceived, I dreamed about being a mother. I just always knew I wanted to be a mom surrounded by a houseful of kids. Did I have any idea it would be this tough? Absolutely not. But I don’t think anyone does. We all go into it dreaming of 10 little fingers and 10 little toes. Nothing really prepares you for teething, timeouts, and the amount of baby proofing you really have to do. Everyone tells you how after awhile you forget all the pain of pregnancy and labor and you’ll want to do it all over again. I don’t think that’s actually true. Not for me anyway.
I remember very vividly how miserable my pregnancy was. Leaning over the cart trying to make it through the grocery store, wondering if I could make it any further or if my hips would actually give out from all the pain. I remember lying on the operating table wishing for a monitor just to see how T’s heart rate was doing while they prepped me for the c-section. I remember the next morning after he was born just sitting next to him in the NICU staring at the oxygen tent asking the nurse for the ten-thousandth time if I could hold him yet. I remember sitting in the NICU 2 weeks later nursing him wondering if he’d ever come home.
I don’t know if someone ever forgets that. And watching T growing up so fast makes me long for the days when I could hold him for hours, just staring at the miracle in my arms. My heart aches seeing him play with other children. I can feel my uterus beg me to let a little life bloom in there again. I want all of that. I’ve even started that conversation with Watson! But there is a very scared part of my heart that wonders if I could do it all again. How will I keep up with T if I’m in so much pain from the pregnancy? Will we repeat the NICU nightmare?
To add to it, very close friends of ours are now expecting. Two of them actually and I am beyond excited! All the baby chatter again! Oh, and the baby clothes and toys. You can only imagine the shopping I’m already doing for these babies. And it very much makes me want to do it all again with the girls! I’m just so scared. I don’t have that happy birthing story.
There are so many things I would do differently, but really, would it matter? They never could tell us if it was something I did. Something I contracted while I was pregnant. I certainly know I didn’t exercise enough, but part of that was because moving hurt too much. I guess time will tell. I know we’ll eventually do it. We’ll give T a sibling, and I’ll worry the whole time. But that’s a mother’s job, right?